The Truth

• On: 01/12/2009 13:34:07

I have had so much going on in my mind, I didn’t know where to start on a blog.  Don’t get any silly thoughts that I don’t love to blog anymore.  Quite frankly, I really enjoy it much more than Facebook…the ironic part of it is that FB is quick and tidy.  Blogging makes me think…and sometimes I avoid the thought-process or am just too tired to think.  Which, as we all know, is not always a good thing.

The New Year for me is two-fold – it brings in a fresh, new start AND my birthday.  Today I turn 38.  Could care less about 38.  And, the reason for that is because when you stare 40 down, 38 feels like a friggin cake walk.  So, yep, there it is:  38 years.  And, a New Year:  2009 – and my 20^th High School reunion too – lots of fun going on. 

Good or bad, I have had a lot of time to think – to get into my old bad self head and try to figure out what makes everyone else tick.  In 2008, we decided (Jerome and I) to allow my coaching business to expand and “go with it.”   Well, we went with it and as I sit on the other side of 2008, it was awesome.  I was fired up, excited, emotional and energized by my athletes.  The hard work behind the scenes, the talks with athletes about not only the HOWs of what we do to get to the start and finish lines, but the WHYs…and the WHY is the meat of the coaching and each athlete, makes me think about myself as an athlete too.   I learned a lot about athletes and what really makes a SUPERB athlete versus another one.  Wow!

A few days ago my phone rang and I recoginzed the number.  It was a friend of mine who I coached to his first IM Florida race a few years ago.  He is a great guy and one of the FIRST to my house with M&Ms and trashy magazines after my car accident in September.  Just a nice guy – smart ass – but nice guy.  Anyway, I answered the phone and he just said, “Thanks.”  That was it.  I was like, “Um, oh crap, for what???”   He said…when I was training for the IM you said something, which at the time made me mad (oh yep!), but now it was what saved me from myself and it is now my 2009 motto. I cringed and asked him what I said to him and he replied, “You told me what I was doing was not good enough.”

Uh-oh.  But, you know, I remember telling him this.   He was skipping too many workouts – NOT really following the plan and not fully extending himself to the goal:  Finish his 1^st IM.   He didn’t want to talk about it anymore – and said goodbye quickly on the phone.  After  a few minutes, I stepped back and thought:  I am SO glad he called to tell me this.  It made me realize that the truth stings, but it is absolutely necessary in transcending thru all the crap and daily bullsh*t that comes with all comes with training for a Triathlon and especially an IM.

While his phone call to me was very nice…what really made me think was about how we all handle the TRUTH.  And, I started to think about myself…and how I handle the TRUTH – and this is such a perfect topic on my birthday.  The TRUTH that I am a year older and closer to 40, which when you are 28 seems VERY OLD.  I know.  Trust me, when I was 28, I thought 38 was SO old and really perplexed on how triathletes that were nearly 40 were still good and fast.  I am NOT kidding, I DID think this – and I know some of you young-ins think the SAME thing….but trust me – it is like you come full circle in sport and in life.  And, well, while my eggs may be dying, I am more alive than ever.

At 38 I am so grateful for my body and all it has given me.  I absolutely have learned to love myself (think about that for a second, most can not say the same).  And, THIS is something that comes with age.  Sure, I am *only* 38, but trust me, you do not feel this at 28 – even at 30.  NOPE!  Too young, too green and not there yet….but, at 38 I REALLY truly appreciate all I have been able to accomplish with this body and that I have virtually been injury free in the 15 years I have been racing – and besides some minor flat tires/car accidents - indicident free.  So, as I leap into 2009, I will not forget this point – and when you are 38 and pound yourself day in and day out and train like you are 25 years old (well, sorta…) you look at it from a different perspective and are grateful and thankful.  I do not take my body for granted.   NOT one second.

And, speaking of the truth, I had one of those weeks where I was being tested in my own training.  I had a big, hard LT bike workout done with a group – so your data was flashing up on a screen screaming at you.  I worked so hard that not only did I want to vomit, but my chest and lungs, from breathing so hard, were messed up ALL last week.  So, that test left me tired and I struggled with some of the workouts last week (duh!).   And, by Thursday night – after a hard run on the treadmill, I was DONE.  I was on the brink of pure madness.  Now, do not think, for one second, it was training – b/c most of you know – it is NEVER about the training, it is about “REAL” life:  rushing the kids to and from, the laundry, the work, the xmas decorations still up, the dishes piling up….the real stresses in life – that all compound and when you try to “TRAIN” you are mentally TRASHED.  Well, that was me one day last week…and I sent an email to coach Spencer saying, “I suck.” (I am so dramatic!).   He immediately called me up – and I was at the pool watching the kids’ swim lessons –  so I stepped out to make sure I didn’t make a scene or cry in public (but too cold to go outside at 10F, so I went into a hallway, niceee).    

And the words flew – I felt tired and crabby (not a good time to talk) – and he was telling me the reason I was not in the basement firing on all cylinders what because I was AFRAID.  I screamed at him, “Afraid of what?”  And it was silence.  I almost hung up on him - and trust me, I have before. 

Afraid of the truth.  And, no need to tell me it is January – remember, athletes have certain goals at certain times of the years – so it is not an early-season thing with me.  Sometimes the paces, the clocks, the send off and this and that is enough to make anyone nuts.  And, not every workout is like that, but the TRUTH is a hard thing to swallow.  And, no matter how much you say you want the TRUTH – most don’t.  And, I struggle with that a bit a a coach – I mean, I tell people what I strongly believe is necessary to get better – meet their goals, but I am not sure they want to know the answer.

And the workouts daily in the basement in this weather will destroy even the best and most dedicated triathletes.

Spencer told me I need to bike more and that is the TRUTH.  I bike a lot.  But, here is the issue – NOT long enough – I have been on my trainer for  hours already and it is mid-January (remember, I have a 70.3 race in 3 months)….and I AM SICK and tired of the basement sometimes and riding for much longer is a tough tough pill to swallow – walking downstairs into my basement EVERY DAY preparing myself to hurt – so sometimes the TRUTH is clearly a real fact, but sometimes we can not always control where we live or the weather.  And, I screamed at him, “YOU have NO idea what it is like to live in Chicago!  You have no idea what it is like to work full time and train and BE MOM!”

Oops.  I crossed that line.  Of course he doesn’t know.  And, he made the CHOICE not to know.  And, that was the truth.  And how dare I hold that against someone – he just cared.  THE TRUTH hit me broadside against the face and he was right.  He was right.  Damn him!  I didn’t want to see X pace or X watts because I was afraid they are not good enough – and I am SO hard on myself that I will beat myself up to nail my workouts.

And, then….I figured it out.   Once someone stops telling you the TRUTH and stops calling you out – they have stopped caring.  They have lost the passion for your success and your road blocks in life…and that is never a good thing.

While it may sting initially, it is always a good thing:  Find the TRUTH – and embrace it – and then take someone’s advice, they just CARE!